stupid people

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry.

Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Have a great day

Toaster Jokes

Toaster Jokes

What If :

IBM made toasters: They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

Xerox made toasters: You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Dixons made toasters: The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters: They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.If ParcPlace made toasters: Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters: They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters: The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.Does DEC still make toasters?: They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters: They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters: You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters: You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.If Cray made toasters: They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters: It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters: Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters: The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters: They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters: "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters: Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Costco made toasters: They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters: Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters: It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Have a great Day... : )

Hunting Jokes

A couple fo hunting jokes for today :


A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.........and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Monkey Pic

This is a cool picture. Got to love the resemblance ....



http://images.net3media.com/funnyfreepics/monkey.jpg

Have a GREAT day.

Politian Jokes

These are hilarious ...

What is the difference between a Professional Athlete and a Politician?
- A Professional Athlete robs you and claims it is entertainment. A politician just plain robs you.

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Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said "George, what should I do?"

After a few seconds George replied "Abolish the IRS and start over."

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said "Abe, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

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Quayle, Packwood,and Kennedy were in a spelling bee.
It seems that Quayle won; Packwood,and Kennedy thought "harass" was two words.
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What do you have if you've got Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton all in the same room?
- Two Boobs and a country singer
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While flying over the USA, Bill Clinton tells Hillary that he is going to throw a five dollar bill out the window to make someone happy.
Hillary decides to throw out a twenty to make two people happy.
The pilot looks back and says "Why not throw yourselves out and make eveyone happy"
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Have a GREAT Day

George Bush Jokes

I ahve another George Bush joke which I found humourous

Bush and Powell Plan World War IIIBush and Powell were sitting in a bar.
A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

HA HA HA ...

Love the joke .. Have a GREAT Day.

Israel Hezbolah Joke and a Random one too....

Here is a random joke :

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

And here is a war time joke :

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Hezbolah tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the Lebanon border with the tank. I approached the border, and saw an Hezbolah tank. I put my white flag up, the Hezbolah tank put his white flag up. I said to the Hezbolah soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

I have to say if more people lightened up and could have a laugh there would be a lot less war in the world. I feel deeply sorry for those in Lebanon, Qana and Israel.

lets hope the world wakes up to itself ...

Have a great day.

George Bush jokes

These are some of the George Bush jokes being posted around the web :

These are all from late night shows ... its amazing how these guys come up with this stuff... well its all here for you to enjoy.

President Bush made a number of gaffes at the G-8 Summit. One of them -- he gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany. So you know what that means? He's drinking again." --David Letterman

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from the president of the United States using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. ... If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"A lot of people were offended by President Bush using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit the other day. Were you offended? I was more offended by the way he eats a buttered roll in front of company." -Jay Leno

"White House press secretary Tony Snow says that when President Bush was told he was recorded saying a four-letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off, which is ironic.
Bush is now reacting to himself the way everybody else does." -Jay Leno

"People are still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word, that would be unbelievable." -Jay Leno

"Our president got caught saying the 's' word. . I am appalled. I want to urge all Americans to write a letter to the FCC demanding that this potty mouth be fined heavily and immediately." -Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself." --Conan O'Brien

"I want to wish a belated birthday to our president. George W. Bush celebrated the big 6-0 on Thursday. When you realize President Bush and Jessica Simpson were born in the same week, maybe there is something to this astrology stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yea that's right. He's drinking again. ... They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" --David Letterman

"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. ... Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman

"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien "

After visiting Baghdad for five hours, President Bush told reporters that he is upbeat about Iraq. Bush's exact words were: 'Next time, I'm going to stay for six hours.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." --Jon Stewart

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart

Well thats Mel Gibson, Fidel Castro and George Bush taken care of. Anyone got any other current topics they think are joke worthy ?

I'll keep them coming nevertheless.

Have a GREAT day.

Castro jokes

Keeping with the current topic of the moment. Now that we have covered Mel Gibson its time to move onto Fidel Castro.

Courtesy of National Review's Jay Nordlinger, from a writer to him:

• A Communist stands on a street corner yelling, "Fidel Castro delivered us from our chains!" A drunk stumbling by answers, "And our watches, rings, bracelets, and necklaces."
• Before the revolution, people died and became skeletons. After the revolution: skeleton first, die later.
• For the new year, Cubans will receive two rice sacks each. One to wear as pants, and one to wear as a shirt.
• Fidel Castro makes a speech and declares, "In Cuba, nobody goes to sleep hungry!" One disheveled man raises a hand and says, "Commandante, I haven't eaten in days. I'm very hungry." Fidel Castro says, "Then, true to my word, you will not go to sleep!"
• The teacher asks Pepito, "What systems are incompatible with the Communist system of government?" Pepito answers, "The digestive system and the nervous system."
• Another teacher asks Pepito, "Tell me three benefits of the Communist revolution." Pepito answers, "Nationalized health care, education, and defense." "Great! Now tell me three challenges the country faces." Answers Pepito, "Breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
• Still another teacher shows her class a photograph of President Bush and asks if anyone recognizes him. Absolute silence. She continues, "Let me give you a hint: It is because of this man that we Cubans go hungry." Pepito jumps up and says, "I didn't recognize him without his beard and uniform."
• Fidel Castro, in one of his loooooooooooooooooooooong winded speeches informed the people he had a solution to the issue of hunger and lack of food. If anyone was to feel hunger, to seek him out personally! One man approached him after the speech and praised him for his efforts to address the issue. He went on to say, " I'm hungry. You mentioned to come to you if we were hungry" Fidel Castro replied, "No, you're not hungry... you're thirsty...here drink this glass of water." The man drinks the glass of water and warily tells Fidel, "I'm still hungry"...Fidel Castro shakes his head and tells the man, "You're not hungry...you're thirsty...drink this glass of water. The man drinks the second glass of water. Afterwards, he says, I am still hungry. Fridel Castro insists, "No, you're not hungry, you're thirsty" He has the man drink another glass of water...This goes on and on for another few glasses of water and when the man can't drink another Fridel Castro walks him over to a table and offers him a lavish meal and the man tells him, "I can't eat a bite, I'm full!" Fidel Castro says, "See??? You weren't hungry, you were thirsty!"

Got any Fidel Castro jokes or maybe another Mel Gibson Joke ... Add them in as a comment...

Have a GREAT day

Mel Gibson DUI Jokes

Some quick comments on Mel Gibson ...

Mel Gibson doesnt like to eat fast food, he can never catch it
Mel Gibson doesn't drink and drink ... He might spill his drink

Do you want to know why Mel Gibson only just got caught for DUI ? See his diversionary tactics below....

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded!"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman."I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

I'll keep them coming ... I Hope you come back often ...

Got any good jokes about Mel Gibson .. leave a comment so everyone can enjoy it.

Joker Introduction

Just a quick introduction to state the purpose of this blog :

To post funny jokes, bad jokes, good jokes, small jokes, long jokes, policitcally incorrect jokes, correct jokes, and any other types of jokes I can find orcome up with to brighten up your day.

The jokes will be based around current topics if possible or they might just be random ...

Here is one to start you off :

Q: There were two fish in a tank. What did one fish say to the other fish ?
A: How do you drive this thing !!!!!

Have a GREAT Day